When I eat at fast food places (I decline to call them restaurants as they are clearly not designed for a gourmet eating experience to rave about) I have a dilemma. A BIG dilemma.

I like burgers, but....

I hate sauces. Tomatoes are disgusting and I refuse to eat them in any shape or form, especially as a sauce, mayonnaise is made from eggs which make my intestines act crazy and tastes like crap anyway and barbeque sauce is only tolerable in very small doses. Everything else seems to be a weird combination of all of these sauces. What kind of sick bastard puts tomato sauce AND mayo on a burger anyway? Freaks.

I also firmly believe that salad has no place in fast food. Oh I have no problem with salad itself, I just hate it when it looks and tastes like it's been in someone's sweaty arse for six hours, which it inevitably does at every fast food outlet.

Finally, I love bacon. Who doesn't love bacon? Bacon is the king of all meats and should ideally be consumed at every meal.

So how do I address these issues? Well I ask for bacon burgers with meat and cheese only. Every fast food place has a button that says "meat and cheese only" on it. Simple you would think wouldn't you. But do you know what the real dilemma is? I say I want a bacon cheeseburger with meat and cheese only... guess what I get asked EVERY single time?

"Do you want bacon on that?" WTF!!!! Bacon comes from pigs, pigs are animals and therefore meat. It's not a dairy product, soy based pretend food or a salad. Of course I fucking want bacon on it you bloody twat or I wouldn't have ordered a goddamn bacon cheeseburger, I'd have ordered a cheeseburger!

I got a death glare from a McDonald's manager today. The sweet 12 year old youth at the counter knew exactly what I was on about and processed the order perfectly (yes, I checked). The pimply apathetic wanker teenager out the back making the burger yelled out at me "Do you want bacon on that if it's meat and cheese only?" The death glare came when I just yelled back "Bacon IS meat, or at least it was the last time I checked"

People are fucking stupid.