I make no secret of the fact that I hate birds. Birds are evil and should all be put to death. No amount of environmental activists wanting to preserve the species or idiot people telling me they are cute and harmless will EVER change my mind.

As far back as I can ever remember, I have hated birds. I don't remember where my hatred began or if it even began, I have a suspicion my hatred is inherent and passed on to me through my genetic code via my mother who hates everything (especially animals).

My brother had a bird once. He was just a kid and wasn't really good with the concept of regular feeding patterns and it died. It was noisy and irritating.  I wasn't sad.

My grandparents had a bird for a million years, since even my dad was a kid. It died too. It used to bite me. I wasn't sad.

Every single person I have ever lived with had a bird. All of them, except Jacqui god bless her wonderful soul, would let the vile creatures out of their cages and let them have the run of the house. Feathers would be everywhere. The little fuckers would shit all over my possessions. They would land in my hair and pee on me. They would swoop in and bath in my dinner before I could eat it. I can't even begin to describe the amount of self control I had to conjure up not to feed them rat poison or leave a window open. Someone (not me) decided to put one of them in the microwave as a joke. Whoops. He turned it on and fried it's brain. Then I had a zombie bird to contend with because it just wouldn't die. It kept on going for years and years and as far as I know it's still hanging around doing the zombie shuffle with a giant tumour on its eye (as a result of the microwave incident).

Today, leaving work: It's Friday. I'm happy. Yay, it's the weekend! I'm walking along the street in front of a large hotel chain listening to my ipod merrily skipping back to my car. Next thing I know my head is on fire because some fucking bird just swooped me and pecked my head. Then it turns around and dive bombs me again. I shriek and throw my hands up to cover my head. It dives again. And again. Four times. And the people parked out the front of the hotel are in their cars LAUGHING at me.

I HATE BIRDS!

Then some wankers on scooters nearly crashed into my car because they were riding next to each other, looking at each other and chatting away, zoomed around the corner and didn't notice my giant blue car STOPPED 50m in front of them.

It's all the bird's fault. I don't care if it's irrational or makes no sense. Birds are evil and will bring death, destruction and mayhem upon all who come across them. If that doesn't convince you, I was reading a book today called 'A Time of Justice'. In the book, an evil sorceress turns herself into a RAVEN and starts killing people.

Harbingers of DOOM!