Over the last few weeks while travelling around this giant country of mine, I have had the opportunity to observe a large number of females in their different natural environments. I have found that women of all shapes, sizes, climates and cities all have one thing in common:

THEY DON'T WEAR PANTS!

Leggings are not pants. They should definitely never be substituted for sturdy outerwear, particularly when wearing a whimsical piece of fabric across your torso that can't make it's mind up if it's a shirt or a dress.

Here are some facts about leggings that I have observed:

1) Despite what you may think, they are not cutting edge fashion. Maybe they were in the 80's, but that was 20-odd years ago and no fashion that emerged in the 80's should ever be revived.

2) They make your arse look fat, regardless of whether your legs are the size of spagetti strands, tree trunks or barns.

3) They aren't warm. Women in colder climates should pay particular attention to this point because this takes suffering for fashion to ridiculous heights. Sure, if you're forced by patriarchal mandate to wear a skirt to the office, I see a reason for leggings and tights to exist. Beyond that, no.

4) You look like a hobo who can't afford a pair of real pants.

5) Older women wearing leggings in place of pants to capitalise on the fact that they 'have still got it' just look desperate, not hip.

6) In all likelihood I can actually see your arse, particulary if you wedge yourself into a tight pair, forcing the threads to separate, like that chick I saw in Adelaide. This is why your mother always insists you wear underwear.

7) Ratty and tattered leggings don't scream 'boho chick', but rather scream out 'crack whore'.

8) If you can't be trusted to dress yourself with any amount of skill, how can you reasonably be expected to make it through life at all? You certainly won't be getting that promotion you so desperately want if your boss thinks you're too retarded to dress yourself.

However, that said, there are only two legitimate reasons for leggings to exist:

1) To wear under our jeans/snowpants when the temperature is subzero and you're likely to get hypothermia and die.

2) In the case of being pregnant when either nothing else fits or is comfortable.

Therefore, if you wear leggings and you are not an eskimo or up the duff, you are stupid.